Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st May 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Sunday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Wednesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. On Monday, the color black, the number 51 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug
July 26th

Hanging out with a Scallop on Monday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Harry Houdini will shower you with unusual gifts on Friday. This will only happen though if you are wearing white Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. On Thursday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Marilyn Monroe. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. When you and a Limpet get together on Thursday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th May 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

The number 47 will have special significance on Saturday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Sunday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Darth Vader and Tiger Woods.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Charlie Brown, Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A man connected with the number 88 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug
July 26th

Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th May 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Tuesday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Should you wear black on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug
July 26th

Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th May 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. A pink car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Saturday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. On Monday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Something involving the color red will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Saturday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug
July 26th

Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Get the guys or girls around your place on Thursday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Roy Rogers. Does this matter? Only time will tell. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Something about the number 65 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Saturday will keep your mind occupied. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

On Sunday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd May 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as C. G. Jung and Tiger Woods.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

You have dandruff, do something about it! Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Charles Dickens. Does this matter? Only time will tell. On Tuesday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Marilyn Monroe a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.