Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st March 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Aristotle, Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Wednesday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Hook up with an Octopus on Thursday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th
Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. On Monday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Something about the number 47 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Sunday will keep your mind occupied. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color white. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Sunday. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Sunday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. The number 12 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th March 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You are not Dick Van Dyke, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Something about the number 25 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Saturday will keep your mind occupied. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Monday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Look yourself in the mirror on Friday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Wednesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th March 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 75. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Saturday who looks at all like John Travolta, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Wednesday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Friday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Hold a dinner party on Wednesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 49 feet, but no more than a mile. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Something about the number 23 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Sunday will keep your mind occupied. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th March 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Friday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Monday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Friday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. In a parallel universe you were born as Carl Sagan. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You are not Robin Williams, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A man connected with the number 1 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Julia Child at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Rick Perry driving a blue car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd March 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Augustus Caesar, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You will bump into a Mussel on Thursday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Get out and enjoy life on Monday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid the number 98 if possible on Monday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Something about the number 73 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Friday will keep your mind occupied. On Tuesday, the color green, the number 67 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. The number 73 will have special significance on Friday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not General Norman Schwarzkopf at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Tuesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Hold a dinner party on Thursday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Fred Astaire a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.