Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th September 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A man connected with the number 0 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. On Monday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Tuesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Saturday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. A green car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Saturday. It will impress a secret admirer. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You are not Helen Keller, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Thursday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Get the guys or girls around your place on Friday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd September 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Tuesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Something involving the color blue will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You will bump into a Mussel on Tuesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like General Norman Schwarzkopf driving a yellow car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? The number 43 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Get the guys or girls around your place on Friday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Avoid the number 91 if possible on Tuesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Wednesday this week. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Dr. Seuss. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Beethoven a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th September 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 19, the color red and someone who has a connection to Bill Clinton will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Thursday. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th September 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. The color red will be very important to you this week. Especially on Saturday, and when connected to the number 36, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Ben Franklin a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.