You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The color red will be very important to you this week. Especially on Wednesday, and when connected to the number 80, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Should you wear pink on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Friday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Friday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
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