Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
In a parallel universe you were born as Fred Astaire. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Monday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You are not Herman Cain, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. On Thursday, the color white, the number 57 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
On Sunday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
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