Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Colin L. Powell, Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color white. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Friday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Wednesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 43. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A pretty young woman connected to the number 15 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug July 26th
On Sunday, the number 39 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like John Lennon then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 7 feet, but no more than a mile. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.
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