Thursday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Don't leave your house on Tuesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Get the guys or girls around your place on Friday for a lurve fest.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Henri Mancini will shower you with unusual gifts on Saturday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 39 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
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