Sunday, January 30, 2011

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st January 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Wednesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color.  You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug
July 26th

You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. You have dandruff, do something about it!

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Take extra special care on Tuesday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Tuesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Friday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A man connected with the number 58 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th January 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Avoid the number 25 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Monday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Tuesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug
July 26th

You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. The number 77 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Thursday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th January 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Saturday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Bob Hope will shower you with unusual gifts on Monday. This will only happen though if you are wearing yellow It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Friday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug
July 26th

In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Something about the number 85 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Friday will keep your mind occupied. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Arthur Ashe a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th January 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 95 feet, but no more than a mile. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Thursday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug
July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Get the guys or girls around your place on Sunday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Sunday. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Charles Everett Koop will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd January 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not John Lennon, If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Tuesday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug
July 26th

This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. In a parallel universe you were born as Sigourney Weaver. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Madonna. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Thursday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Thursday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.