Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th December 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Thursday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The number 84 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color yellow. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Thursday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Thursday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. On Tuesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Friday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st December 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 99. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Monday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Something about the number 51 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Sunday will keep your mind occupied. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Should you wear red on Wednesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Friday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th December 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. On Saturday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Monday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. The color red will be very important to you this week. Especially on Wednesday, and when connected to the number 19, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Darth Vader, Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Sunday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like David Beckham. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. On Thursday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you see anybody this week who looks like Elizabeth Dole, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Something about the number 24 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Michael J. Fox a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th November 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The color purple will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 5, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. The number 44 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Sunday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Friday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. The number 1 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Look yourself in the mirror on Friday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Something involving the color purple will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd November 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. If you see anybody this week who looks like Dick Van Dyke, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Friday who looks at all like F Lee Bailey, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A pretty young woman connected to the number 39 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Hook up with an Octopus on Friday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 27. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Monday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. The number 93 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Look yourself in the mirror on Tuesday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. When you and a Limpet get together on Sunday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th November 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Sunday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like John Candy, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why will the color orange be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Saturday. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Get the guys or girls around your place on Monday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Henry A. Kissinger in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Thursday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th November 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Monday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Friday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th

Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. The number 19 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Should you wear yellow on Tuesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Thursday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd November 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Sunday, and when connected to the number 20, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Should you wear white on Tuesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. You will bump into a Mussel on Friday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Friday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 55 feet, but no more than a mile. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Monday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th October 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Saturday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Charles Everett Koop, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Henri Mancini, This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. On Sunday, the number 1 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Saturday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Charlie Brown will shower you with unusual gifts on Tuesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Mary Tyler Moore a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th October 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Friday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Thursday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Thursday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Robin Williams driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Madonna at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th October 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Friday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Monday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. On Monday night you will dream of being Whoopi Goldberg. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The number 29 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Thursday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th October 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Sunday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The number 68 will be a powerful omen for you this Monday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Carrie Fisher in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th September 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 88 feet, but no more than a mile. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. On Tuesday, the number 79 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Thursday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing yellow. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Aristotle, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st September 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Friday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Wednesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Friday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Friday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 52. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Friday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th September 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. On Monday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Mr. Rogers, Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Charles Everett Koop, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Something involving the color yellow will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th September 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Wednesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Wednesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 89 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Saturday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st September 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 40, the color green and someone who has a connection to Tom Hanks will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 9. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.