Sunday, October 25, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th October 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Saturday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Charles Everett Koop, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Henri Mancini, This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.


The Slug July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. On Sunday, the number 1 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Saturday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Charlie Brown will shower you with unusual gifts on Tuesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Mary Tyler Moore a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.


Sunday, October 18, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th October 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Friday.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Thursday.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.


The Slug July 26th

Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Thursday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Robin Williams driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Madonna at all.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.


Sunday, October 11, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th October 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Friday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Monday.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. On Monday night you will dream of being Whoopi Goldberg. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.


The Slug July 26th

If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The number 29 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Thursday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.


Sunday, October 4, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th October 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Sunday.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The number 68 will be a powerful omen for you this Monday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.


The Slug July 26th

You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Carrie Fisher in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.