Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th August 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Tuesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Bill Cosby driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

On Monday, the number 67 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Take extra special care on Thursday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. The color red will be very important to you this week. Especially on Saturday, and when connected to the number 71, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd August 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A white car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Saturday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Tom Hanks. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. You will go to an auction on Wednesday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Eisenhower will shower you with unusual gifts on Friday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Wednesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Sunday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th August 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Cleopatra will shower you with unusual gifts on Monday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black A pretty young woman connected to the number 76 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 34 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Sunday. It will impress a secret admirer. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Elizabeth Taylor, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th August 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Carol Burnett in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Wednesday who looks at all like Mohammad Ali, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Sunday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 65, the color white and someone who has a connection to Martin Luther King will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Look yourself in the mirror on Saturday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.