Sunday, November 23, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th November 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. On Thursday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Sunday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Spider Man driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 83 feet, but no more than a mile. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Susan B. Anthony then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A pretty young woman connected to the number 95 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th November 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
The number 79 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Monday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Saturday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Friday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Helen Keller and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Tom Brokaw in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. On Sunday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Monday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th November 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. A pretty young woman connected to the number 8 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Sunday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Lewis Carrol, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. On Tuesday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Tuesday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd November 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. A man connected with the number 21 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Monday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Thursday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Should you wear blue on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. On Sunday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Saturday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Wednesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.