Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd April 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Tuesday who looks at all like Fred Astaire, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. A pretty young woman connected to the number 78 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Wednesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Roy Rogers then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Why will the color white be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15 April 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Something involving the color green will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like John F. Kennedy, Jr. driving a green car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 74, the color black and someone who has a connection to John Travolta will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Something about the number 6 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Chuck Yeager then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. On Friday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Chuck Yeager, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th April 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Thursday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Newt Gingrich, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Louis Pasteur and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A pretty young woman connected to the number 74 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Look yourself in the mirror on Wednesday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 3 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st April 204

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The number 20 will be a powerful omen for you this Tuesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Should you wear purple on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. In a parallel universe you were born as Ross Perot. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Liberace then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Saturday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

On Sunday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th March 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Something about the number 10 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Saturday will keep your mind occupied. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Saturday this week. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Wednesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 75, the color black and someone who has a connection to Isaac Newton will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Friday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th March 2024

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A man connected with the number 99 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

In a parallel universe you were born as Martin Luther King. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

You will go to an auction on Tuesday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Get the guys or girls around your place on Thursday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Roy Rogers. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Should you wear black on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Try relaxing on Sunday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th March 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 28. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. You have dandruff, do something about it!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th March 2024

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Thursday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Meryl Streep in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Friday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 10 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th February 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 68 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A man connected with the number 58 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Neil Armstrong. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Wednesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Sunday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. You are not Harry Houdini, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Henry A. Kissinger, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Take extra special care on Sunday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The number 75 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Why will the color green be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th February 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A yellow car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

The number 47 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 71 feet, but no more than a mile. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. When you and a Limpet get together on Wednesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th February 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The color pink will be very important to you this week. Especially on Saturday, and when connected to the number 19, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. You are not Beethoven, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Sunday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th

With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Look yourself in the mirror on Monday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. If you make an appointment on Wednesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th February 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Thursday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Hook up with an Octopus on Wednesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Take extra special care on Sunday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The number 32 will have special significance on Thursday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Monday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Try relaxing on Saturday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th January 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Saturday. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Monday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. In a parallel universe you were born as Mahatma Gandhi. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. You are not Paul Harvey, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 28 feet, but no more than a mile. Get the guys or girls around your place on Tuesday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Dan Aykroyd. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 70, the color pink and someone who has a connection to Michael J. Jordan will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd January 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Monday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Saturday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Sunday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Why will the color green be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th January 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Monday who looks at all like Hank Aaron, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Wednesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Something about the number 57 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Sunday will keep your mind occupied. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. On Saturday night you will dream of being Gandhi. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Dave Letterman. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

On Friday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th January 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Don't leave your house on Saturday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Saturday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Wednesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. If you see anybody this week who looks like Dave Letterman, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Mark Twain then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Avoid the number 81 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

[?2004h