If you make an appointment on Sunday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Should you wear green on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug July 26th
Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Friday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
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