Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 78 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. On Saturday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Friday.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. On Sunday night you will dream of being Mae West. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Look yourself in the mirror on Sunday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you see anybody this week who looks like Valerie Harper, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A man connected with the number 32 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
Posts
