Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Saturday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Don't leave your house on Tuesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Tuesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Hanging out with a Scallop on Saturday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Sunday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Saturday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. When you and a Limpet get together on Sunday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
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