Monday, May 3, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th May 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Aristotle and Tiger Woods.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Thursday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Peter Jennings in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.


The Slug July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 83 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Tuesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.