A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as William F. Buckley, Jr. and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 34, the color blue and someone who has a connection to Vincent Van Gogh will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Leonardo Da Vinci then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
On Thursday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
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