You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. On Sunday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A man connected with the number 68 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. On Wednesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Wednesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Tom Cruise in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug July 26th
You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. In a parallel universe you were born as William F. Buckley, Jr.. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Monday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. On Monday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. When you and a Limpet get together on Monday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Something involving the color pink will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
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