Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Tuesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. On Tuesday night you will dream of being Bill Clinton. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Saturday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Sunday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Try relaxing on Sunday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.
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