This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.
The Slug July 26th
Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Sunday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. On Monday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Saturday. It will impress a secret admirer. On Monday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as William Shakespeare, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
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