Sunday, June 26, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th June 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Saturday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.


The Slug July 26th

You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Avoid the number 15 if possible on Saturday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Wake up at 3:00 AM on Saturday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.