Sunday, November 20, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st November 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. The number 17 will have special significance on Wednesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Sunday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Hook up with an Octopus on Friday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.


The Slug July 26th

You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you see anybody this week who looks like Elvis Presley, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.