Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Saturday. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 56 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Monday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Monday this week. Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Thursday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug July 26th
Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. On Monday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Aristotle will shower you with unusual gifts on Saturday. This will only happen though if you are wearing orange Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing purple. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
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