Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. A man connected with the number 36 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Rick Santorum, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Tuesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug July 26th
It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Avoid the number 44 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Sunday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
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