Sunday, January 16, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th January 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

In a parallel universe you were born as Ernest Hemingway. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Hold a dinner party on Wednesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Monday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.


The Slug July 26th

Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

The number 34 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Michele Pfeiffer. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.