Sunday, September 25, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th September 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like C. S. Lewis, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.


The Slug July 26th

The number 70 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Saturday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Friday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Monday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.


Monday, September 19, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th September 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A man connected with the number 79 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. The number 59 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Monday.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Saturday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Thursday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.


The Slug July 26th

Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. The color green will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 84, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? When you and a Limpet get together on Thursday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Something about the number 65 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Friday will keep your mind occupied. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.


Monday, September 12, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th September 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A white car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Sunday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Tuesday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

The number 59 will have special significance on Friday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.


The Slug July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 31. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.


Sunday, September 4, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th September 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Monday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. On Tuesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Get out and enjoy life on Friday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.


The Slug July 26th

If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Wednesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Avoid the number 18 if possible on Tuesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Thursday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.