Sunday, April 24, 2011

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th April 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. A red car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Monday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. On Tuesday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Sunday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 29 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Saturday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You are not Neil Diamond, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug
July 26th

You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Look yourself in the mirror on Thursday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th April 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

In a parallel universe you were born as Charlie Brown. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Saturday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual.  Why will the color orange be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Sunday. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Friday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug
July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Friday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Sigmund Freud a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th April 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? In a parallel universe you were born as Carrie Fisher. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Thursday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug
July 26th

The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Wednesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Look yourself in the mirror on Friday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Friday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If you make an appointment on Sunday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Julia Child a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th April 2011

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Saturday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Tuesday.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Sunday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Get out and enjoy life on Sunday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Wednesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug
July 26th

Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. On Friday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.