Sunday, January 25, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th January 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Friday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Monday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Wednesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th January 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Tuesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You will bump into a Mussel on Tuesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th
It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. The number 41 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Friday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Wednesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th January 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A pretty young woman connected to the number 71 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as James Taylor and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Wednesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Thursday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Saturday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Tuesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Tuesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Paul Harvey will shower you with unusual gifts on Friday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Monday, January 5, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th January 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Wednesday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Sunday. It will impress a secret admirer. On Saturday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Something involving the color white will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Saturday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A man connected with the number 7 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Thomas Jefferson at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. When you and a Limpet get together on Saturday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.