Sunday, September 30, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st October 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Friday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Something about the number 39 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Saturday will keep your mind occupied. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Tuesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Look yourself in the mirror on Wednesday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). When you and a Limpet get together on Friday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Monday, September 24, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th September 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Monday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Get out and enjoy life on Saturday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The color orange will be very important to you this week. Especially on Sunday, and when connected to the number 95, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! On Sunday, the color black, the number 55 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing yellow. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Sunday, September 16, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th September 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Tuesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Saturday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Monday, September 10, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th September 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Chuck Yeager and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Monday who looks at all like Beethoven, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. The color pink will be very important to you this week. Especially on Wednesday, and when connected to the number 41, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th
You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. On Saturday, the number 1 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Sunday, September 2, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd September 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Thursday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color green. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. On Thursday night you will dream of being Michael Landon. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. A man connected with the number 56 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Get the guys or girls around your place on Thursday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Tuesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.