Sunday, January 28, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th January 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. On Wednesday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Something about the number 80 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Tuesday will keep your mind occupied. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Thursday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You will bump into a Mussel on Sunday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Sunday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Get out and enjoy life on Wednesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The number 25 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Thursday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Get the guys or girls around your place on Sunday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Whoopi Goldberg at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Monday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Wednesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Sunday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd January 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. The number 40 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Monday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Something involving the color black will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Wednesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. On Monday, the color red, the number 18 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Wednesday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 53. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Tuesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Should you wear white on Wednesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Paul Harvey a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th January 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 31 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. If you see anybody this week who looks like Steve Martin, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Thursday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Wednesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. In a parallel universe you were born as Aristotle. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Sunday, January 7, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th January 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like James Dean will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing red Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Should you wear pink on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
In a parallel universe you were born as Eddie Murphy. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). You will bump into a Mussel on Tuesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Spider Man, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Sunday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. On Monday, the number 65 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing yellow. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. The color green will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 16, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Monday, January 1, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st January 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Avoid the number 51 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Alicia Silverstone and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Friday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Get the guys or girls around your place on Tuesday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.