Sunday, December 25, 2016

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th December 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Sunday, and when connected to the number 52, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Monday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A orange car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Friday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Dan Aykroyd, How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. In a parallel universe you were born as Ernest Hemingway. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Wednesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th December 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A man connected with the number 56 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Sunday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Saturday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Hook up with an Octopus on Friday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. On Saturday, the number 88 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Take extra special care on Friday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. On Sunday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Friday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th December 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Avoid the number 57 if possible on Saturday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Tuesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Get out and enjoy life on Sunday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Tuesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Wednesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
You have dandruff, do something about it! You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Sunday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Saturday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Monday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th December 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Should you wear white on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. In a parallel universe you were born as Henry A. Kissinger. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Saturday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Get out and enjoy life on Thursday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Thursday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Bob Hope in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Get the guys or girls around your place on Saturday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Thursday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Mr. Rogers, Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.