Sunday, July 28, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th July 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Dr. Seuss, You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 57 feet, but no more than a mile. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

In a parallel universe you were born as James Dean. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Sunday. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Thursday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!


The Slug July 26th

You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Avoid the number 13 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Monday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Something about the number 25 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Friday will keep your mind occupied. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.


Monday, July 22, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd July 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. On Wednesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Friday.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Sunday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.


The Slug July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. The number 79 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. A pretty young woman connected to the number 18 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Wake up at 3:00 AM on Thursday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The number 58 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.


Monday, July 15, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th July 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Something involving the color pink will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Monday.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. On Thursday night you will dream of being Harry Houdini. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.


The Slug July 26th

It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A man connected with the number 61 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.


Sunday, July 7, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th July 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Monday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Friday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 29. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.


The Slug July 26th

You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Ronald Regan then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Hold a dinner party on Wednesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Something about the number 97 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Tuesday will keep your mind occupied. In a parallel universe you were born as Louis Pasteur. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Friday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.