Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th February 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Wednesday, and when connected to the number 70, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Tuesday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

On Monday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Billy Crystal in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Tuesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Wednesday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th February 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). On Tuesday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Friday who looks at all like Lucille Ball, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. You will bump into a Mussel on Tuesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 50 feet, but no more than a mile. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th February 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If you see anybody this week who looks like Carl Sagan, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Saturday who looks at all like Thomas Edison, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Tuesday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Monday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Dan Aykroyd, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 19 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Take extra special care on Saturday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Augustus Caesar at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Jimmy Conners in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Hold a dinner party on Wednesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th February 2023

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Something about the number 64 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Saturday will keep your mind occupied. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The number 45 will be a powerful omen for you this Tuesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. If you make an appointment on Wednesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Get the guys or girls around your place on Sunday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A man connected with the number 71 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing yellow. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.