Sunday, October 31, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st November 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Monday.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Avoid the number 60 if possible on Monday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.


The Slug July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Elizabeth Dole, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? On Tuesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.


Sunday, October 24, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th October 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Hook up with an Octopus on Thursday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

In a parallel universe you were born as Oprah Winfrey. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. On Friday night you will dream of being Paul Newman. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.


The Slug July 26th

In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Saturday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.


Sunday, October 17, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th October 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Tuesday. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Tuesday who looks at all like Albert Einstein, then you should kiss them without hesitation.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Spider Man, You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.


The Slug July 26th

This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Saturday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.


Monday, October 11, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th October 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Monday this week. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Friday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.


The Slug July 26th

This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Gloria Steinem then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. On Tuesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Sunday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The number 60 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.


Sunday, October 3, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th October 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Something about the number 92 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Tuesday will keep your mind occupied. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Hook up with an Octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A yellow car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Saturday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.


The Slug July 26th

The number 19 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Get the guys or girls around your place on Thursday for a lurve fest.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 73 feet, but no more than a mile. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Saturday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Try relaxing on Wednesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.