Monday, May 3, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th May 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Aristotle and Tiger Woods.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Thursday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Peter Jennings in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.


The Slug July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 83 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Tuesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.


Sunday, April 25, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th April 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Friday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.


The Slug July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Hanging out with a Scallop on Tuesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 20, the color pink and someone who has a connection to Newt Gingrich will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Isaac Newton then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Sunday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Tuesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. A man connected with the number 53 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.


Sunday, April 18, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th April 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. On Saturday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Monday.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Magic Johnson, The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Friday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.


The Slug July 26th

Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Get the guys or girls around your place on Wednesday for a lurve fest.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A man connected with the number 61 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Friday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.


Sunday, April 11, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th April

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. The color white will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 62, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Monday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.


The Slug July 26th

You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A man connected with the number 46 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. On Sunday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.


Monday, April 5, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th April 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Monday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Thursday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Tuesday.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). On Sunday night you will dream of being Columbus. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.


The Slug July 26th

You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Get the guys or girls around your place on Tuesday for a lurve fest.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Saturday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Yogi Berra at all.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Something about the number 95 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Sunday will keep your mind occupied. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.


Sunday, March 28, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th March 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Sunday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Thursday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Sunday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.


The Slug July 26th

It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Saturday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A pretty young woman connected to the number 1 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.


Sunday, March 21, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd March 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Doris Day and Tiger Woods.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Thursday.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Pablo Piccaso, A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Saturday night get-together.


The Slug July 26th

Hanging out with a Scallop on Saturday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. On Sunday, the number 62 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Tuesday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing yellow. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.


Sunday, March 14, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th March 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. A pretty young woman connected to the number 56 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 20 feet, but no more than a mile. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you wear too much make-up on Sunday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Sunday.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.


The Slug July 26th

It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Eddie Murphy in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Michelle Bachman, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.


Sunday, March 7, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th March 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Tuesday.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Monday who looks at all like Walter Cronkite, then you should kiss them without hesitation.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 69. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Sunday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.


The Slug July 26th

You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! On Sunday, the number 38 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 92, the color green and someone who has a connection to James Dean will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. A man connected with the number 32 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.


Sunday, February 28, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st March 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Saturday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color pink. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Sunday.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Get out and enjoy life on Tuesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. On Monday night you will dream of being Cleopatra. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.


The Slug July 26th

Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Should you wear green on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. The number 47 will have special significance on Wednesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Try relaxing on Sunday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.


Sunday, February 21, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd February 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If you see anybody this week who looks like Dan Aykroyd, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Alicia Silverstone in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Monday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Why will the color black be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.


The Slug July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Tuesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.


Sunday, February 14, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th February 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Sunday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Friday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.


The Slug July 26th

You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Monday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Thursday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.


Sunday, February 7, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th February 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 90, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Mr. Rogers, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Friday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Tuesday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. On Sunday, the color blue, the number 65 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.


The Slug July 26th

You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Wednesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Tuesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.


Sunday, January 31, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st February 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. On Wednesday, the color orange, the number 21 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.


The Slug July 26th

There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Monday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Monday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.


Sunday, January 24, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th January 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Monday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.


The Slug July 26th

Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Fred Astaire at all.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Dr. Seuss. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.


Sunday, January 17, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th January 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Helen Keller, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Plato in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Get out and enjoy life on Saturday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.


The Slug July 26th

Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. You will go to an auction on Tuesday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Wednesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Sunday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.


Sunday, January 10, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th January 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Thursday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Leonardo Da Vinci, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Thursday.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.


The Slug July 26th

You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Something involving the color blue will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Friday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Phil Donahue, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.