Sunday, February 28, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st March 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Saturday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color pink. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Sunday.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Get out and enjoy life on Tuesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. On Monday night you will dream of being Cleopatra. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.


The Slug July 26th

Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Should you wear green on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. The number 47 will have special significance on Wednesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Try relaxing on Sunday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.


Sunday, February 21, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd February 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If you see anybody this week who looks like Dan Aykroyd, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Alicia Silverstone in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Monday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Why will the color black be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.


The Slug July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Tuesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.


Sunday, February 14, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th February 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Sunday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Friday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.


The Slug July 26th

You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Monday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Thursday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.


Sunday, February 7, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th February 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 90, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Mr. Rogers, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Friday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Tuesday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. On Sunday, the color blue, the number 65 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.


The Slug July 26th

You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Wednesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Tuesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.