Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th March 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. On Wednesday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Friday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Avoid the number 43 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! You have dandruff, do something about it! A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A man connected with the number 46 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Frank Lloyd Wright. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Monday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The number 24 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th March 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? On Monday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Elizabeth Dole driving a black car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Friday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you see anybody this week who looks like Pelé, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Ben Franklin, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th March 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th

This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. The number 53 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color yellow. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Sunday. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Saturday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like George Washington. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Friday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. The number 38 will have special significance on Saturday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th March 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Wednesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. On Sunday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Thursday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Monday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Sunday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

On Monday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Avoid the number 34 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

[?2004h