Sunday, December 30, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th December 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Hold a dinner party on Thursday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. On Tuesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Wednesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd December 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. On Wednesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Mr. Rogers, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Monday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 70 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th December 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Tiger Woods and Tiger Woods.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Thursday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Thomas Edison driving a black car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.


The Slug July 26th

The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You will go to an auction on Wednesday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Something about the number 37 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Saturday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. The number 81 will have special significance on Thursday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.


Monday, December 10, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th December 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Danny Glover and Tiger Woods.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Saturday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. A pretty young woman connected to the number 48 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Thursday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. On Wednesday night you will dream of being Fred Astaire. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.


The Slug July 26th

Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 75 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Weird Al Yankovick, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Thursday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Friday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

On Wednesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Friday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.


Monday, December 3, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd December 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Avoid the number 19 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Thursday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Saturday. It will impress a secret admirer. On Wednesday, the color pink, the number 51 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.


The Slug July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. In a parallel universe you were born as Colin L. Powell. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.


Monday, November 26, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th November 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 30 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Columbus in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Wednesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Miles Davis driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.


The Slug July 26th

A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. On Friday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.


Sunday, November 18, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th November 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. You will bump into a Mussel on Wednesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Roy Rogers, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.


The Slug July 26th

Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Friday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Something involving the color white will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. On Thursday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Walter Cronkite, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.


Monday, November 12, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th November 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Hook up with an Octopus on Monday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.


The Slug July 26th

Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

In a parallel universe you were born as Gloria Steinem. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. If you see anybody this week who looks like Alfred Hitchcock, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Sunday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Thursday. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.


Sunday, November 4, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th November 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 12, the color red and someone who has a connection to Mae West will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Hook up with an Octopus on Saturday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. On Friday night you will dream of being James Taylor. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.


The Slug July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

The number 63 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 85 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Something involving the color red will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Monday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.


Monday, October 29, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th October 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 17, the color blue and someone who has a connection to Margaret Thatcher will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A man connected with the number 72 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. On Sunday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Sunday. It will impress a secret admirer. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like George Carlin will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black You are not Marilyn Vos Savant, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.


The Slug July 26th

On Tuesday, the number 58 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Something about the number 25 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Saturday will keep your mind occupied. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. On Wednesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Sunday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Dan Rather a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.


Monday, October 22, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd October 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 62, the color pink and someone who has a connection to Thomas Jefferson will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Saturday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Robin Williams driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.


The Slug July 26th

Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Dick Van Dyke then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Saturday. It will impress a secret admirer. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.


Sunday, October 14, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th October 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Tuesday. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you see anybody this week who looks like Miley Cyrus, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Lucille Ball driving a red car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.


The Slug July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Monday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.


Sunday, October 7, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th October 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 27 feet, but no more than a mile. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Friday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. A pretty young woman connected to the number 18 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Louis Pasteur in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Monday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.


The Slug July 26th

Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The color yellow will be very important to you this week. Especially on Wednesday, and when connected to the number 83, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Wednesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.


Sunday, September 30, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st October 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? A pretty young woman connected to the number 56 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Thursday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.


The Slug July 26th

In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Carl Sagan then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Tuesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.


Sunday, September 23, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th September 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Sunday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.


The Slug July 26th

You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 93 feet, but no more than a mile. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Saturday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like C. S. Lewis. Does this matter? Only time will tell. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.


Sunday, September 16, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th September 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Monday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Monday.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The number 36 will have special significance on Wednesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.


The Slug July 26th

You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Marilyn Vos Savant driving a red car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Look yourself in the mirror on Thursday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color red. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.


Monday, September 10, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th September 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Wednesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.


The Slug July 26th

You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. On Monday, the number 12 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The number 4 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. The color purple will be very important to you this week. Especially on Sunday, and when connected to the number 34, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Sunday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Something involving the color white will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.