Sunday, December 26, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th December 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

A blue car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Saturday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Friday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug
July 26th

You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. The number 95 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th December 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Wednesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug
July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Why will the color pink be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Tuesday. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Jack Nicholson, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th December 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Tuesday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Dr. Seuss. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 60. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug
July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Get the guys or girls around your place on Monday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A blue car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Spider Man at all.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. When you and a Limpet get together on Friday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th December 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Monday.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Thursday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual.  You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Friday this week. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug
July 26th

You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.  This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. On Saturday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.