Monday, September 29, 2008

We are all mollusks now

A number of readers have written to me to point out something that - on the face of it - appears as a gross factual error in the Molluskan Zodiac. Namely, that the Barnacle is not actually a mollusk at all. Now, I fully appreciate that in todays enlightened world of scientific discovery, we have seen great advances in our understanding of the fields of taxonomy and systematics. These disciplines have undergone a revolution due to the development of molecular phylogenetic techniques, and we can now describe with much greater certainty the relationships and kinship of any set of species that you might wish to compare.

And so I do accept that from a certain viewpoint, it is true that the Barnacle is not a mollusk at all and is perhaps more suitably classified as a crustacean. However, I feel safe in proclaiming that while some people of a scientific persuasion might wish to use such classification systems in order to label our beloved Barnacles as crustaceans, that this is a side-issue and of no relevance to the Molluskan Zodiac. Take a second to realize that our present-day understanding of molluskan divination has been distilled from many centuries of nautical folk-lore, from sailors swapping tales over a shot of rum, from fishing families that passed on the knowledge that had often helped them to a bountiful harvest. Did the founding fathers of the Molluskan Zodiac have access to DNA sequencing technology? Did they have access to such learned materials as the Journal of Molluskan Studies? The answer to these questions is clearly 'no'. The reality is that throughout history, sailors, fishermen, and other sea-goers would have seen the shelled form of the blessed Barnacle and assumed that - on the basis of morphology - this humble, yet proud creature is for all intents and purposes...a mollusk.

When the rain is lashing down amid stormy seas, let us not debate whether small-subunit rRNA sequencing places the Barnacle apart from other mollusks on nature's grand ladder. Let us not see the Barnacle as black and the Oyster as white. Instead let us see the shelled inhabitants of the seas as a broad canvas painted in many shades of grey. It may be true that had our forefathers had access to advanced phylogenetic techniques, that we may now be talking today about the fate and fortunes of the abalone or the cockle instead of the humble Barnacle. What is important, and what will remain important is that the stoic Barnacle is here to stay and will forever guide the lives of those people born between December 2nd and February 19th. Finally, let me refer people to some text from a 'lost verse' of Coleridge's famous poem Rime of the ancient mariner that makes it clear what many us already know in our hearts to be true:

When the sails are rent asunder
As Poseidon waits for thee
Do not talk down apon yonder Barnacle
For we are all mollusks now

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Horoscopes for week beginning 29th September

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Also, take note of the old saying 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. These words will be important this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think out of the box. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do?


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye.


The Slug
July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of clams. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Horoscopes for week beginning 22nd September

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right?


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'.


The Slug
July 26th

Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Food may be important for you this week.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Horoscopes for week beginning 15th September

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Laughter will fill the air on Thursday. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Dietary choices will be important for you. Consider avoiding foods from France, Jamaica or Burkina Faso. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down.


The Slug
July 26th

Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? On Tuesday, there may be an opportunity to do just that. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Walk briskly on Wednesday, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Horoscopes for week beginning 8th September

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 200 feet, but no more than a mile. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Also, allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

If there was ever a week in which you should enrol in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Dietrary choices may be important in the coming days. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Also, think of all the great things that might happen to you. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them.


The Slug
July 26th

There will be good news on Wednesday. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Tiredness will be a big issue this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do?

The Snail


February 20th - March 9th

Slow in both body and mind; snails are loyal yet stupid, giving yet selfish. Snails do not get on with barnacles, limpets, clams, or squids, and at best, only ever tolerate slugs.

Likes: taking things easy
Dislikes: amusement rides
Lucky numbers: 0, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, and 21
Unlucky numbers: 4, 6, 7, 9–12, and 14—20

The Mussel


October 30th - December 1st

Unlucky in life. Unlucky in love. Mussels try hard but often fail. They know the price of everything but the value of nothing. They are, however, great lovers and also have a great sense of punctuality.

Likes: being on time
Dislikes: being late
Lucky number: 1.6180339887
Unlucky number: 0.5772156649

The Octopus


October 1st - October 29th

The wisest of all mollusks. Famed for their abilities to deceive and for their skills in map-reading. Always treat an octopus with a mixture of respect, fear, indifference, and loathing.

Likes: everything and nothing
Dislikes: vulgarity and profanity
Lucky numbers: 38°32, and 121°44
Unlucky numbers: 53°33, and 1°28

The Scallop


August 20th - October 1st

Honest, trustworthy, and dependable, scallops are therefore the most boring of all the mollusks. They have an irrational hatred of clams and are are also known for their varied love-making techniques.

Likes: getting it on
Dislikes: spicy food
Lucky number: 69
Unlucky number: 70%

The Oyster


July 27th - August 19th

The most prized of all the mollusks. Oysters exude charm, confidence and charisma, and are successful at everything they do. They therefore are also the most hated of all the mollusks.

Likes: being noticed
Dislikes: monogamy
Lucky number: -1
Unlucky number: 1d1553468ab9a8e79faaa5e937bf7d05.png

The Slug


July 26th

Davy Jones was said to have been born on this day and therefore slugs are deemed to be the most ill-fated mollusk of all. Doomed to live a lonely life, slugs will heap misery and suffering on others.

Likes: not being spat at
Dislikes: salt
Lucky number: 666
Unlucky numbers: Anything except 666

The Squid


June 3rd - July 25th

Cunning and shrewd, mysterious and demanding, squids both confound and perplex those who meet them. As the old naval saying goes "the only squid I'll trust is one that doesn't trust me".

Lucky numbers: 5, 27, 132.3, and
Unlucky number: 10100

The Clam


May 2nd - June 2nd

Silent and stoical, clams are dependable, reliable and discrete. They are best matched to the octopus and the squid, but will never say a bad word about any other mollusk.

Likes: keeping secrets
Dislikes: gossip
Lucky numbers: Anything apart from 42
Unlucky number: 42

The Limpet

March 10th - May 1st

Limpets are - pound for pound - the mightiest of all the mollusks. If you are ever in a bar-room brawl, you'll be glad to have a limpet at your side. Conversely, limpets are great lovers of poetry and the arts.

Likes: being the center of it all
Dislikes: political intolerance
Lucky number: 2.718
Unlucky number: 2.503

The Barnacle


December 2nd - February 19th

Barnacles are friendly people who form attachments very easily. A friend who is a barnacle is a friend for life. They are also known for being very amorous yet slightly stubborn.

Likes: long-term relationships
Dislikes: rejection
Lucky numbers: 7, 77, and 777
Unlucky numbers: -7, -77, and -777


P.S. If you are among those who hold doubts as to the nature of the Barnacle's Molluskan heritage, please read this post, and hopefully that should clarify things.