Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th April 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Tuesday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Tuesday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Should you wear orange on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Thursday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Sunday, April 28, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th April 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Why will the color pink be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Saturday. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Charlie Brown. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Monday, April 22, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd April 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Avoid the number 3 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 68. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th
The number 65 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. On Tuesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 3 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. The color purple will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 24, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Sunday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A pretty young woman connected to the number 71 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Sunday, April 14, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th April 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Monday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color pink. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Monday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Avoid the number 54 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Wednesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Sunday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Sunday, April 7, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th April 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. A pink car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Hold a dinner party on Thursday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. On Friday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Get out and enjoy life on Monday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. On Monday night you will dream of being Ben Franklin. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. On Friday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. When you and a Limpet get together on Monday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.