Sunday, January 31, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st February 2010

December 2nd - February 19th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

February 20th - March 9th

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Friday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

March 10th - May 1st

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

May 2nd - June 2nd

The color red will be very important to you this week. Especially on Friday, and when connected to the number 65, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Hook up with an Octopus on Saturday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

June 3rd - July 25th

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

July 26th

You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.

July 27th - August 19th

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

August 20th - October 1st

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

October 1st - October 29th

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing blue. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Saturday this week. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th January 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. A man connected with the number 27 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Tuesday who looks at all like Michele Pfeiffer, then you should kiss them without hesitation.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Dan Rather will shower you with unusual gifts on Friday. This will only happen though if you are wearing orange If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.


The Slug
July 26th

There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Why do people infuriate you so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Saturday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Jesse Jackson. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Monday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th January 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You will bump into a Mussel on Saturday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.


The Slug
July 26th

Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Something involving the color green will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing blue. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Wednesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th January 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

In a parallel universe you were born as William F. Buckley, Jr.. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 55 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Tuesday.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. On Wednesday, the color purple, the number 81 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.


The Slug
July 26th

Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

The number 89 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Wednesday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A man connected with the number 14 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Avoid the number 75 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Hold a dinner party on Wednesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Saturday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Julia Roberts in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th January 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Darth Vader. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A man connected with the number 24 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.


The Slug
July 26th

Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Take extra special care on Wednesday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Sunday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.