Monday, December 30, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th December 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A man connected with the number 16 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. On Tuesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 39. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Wednesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 53 feet, but no more than a mile. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd December 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Wednesday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Thursday. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Monday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You are not W.C.Fields, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Friday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 98 feet, but no more than a mile. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th December 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. On Thursday, the color black, the number 47 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. On Thursday, the number 27 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Avoid the number 88 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Try relaxing on Monday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th December 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A pretty young woman connected to the number 74 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.


The Slug July 26th

This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Saturday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Avoid the number 86 if possible on Monday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Tuesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.


Monday, December 2, 2013

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd December 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 70, the color blue and someone who has a connection to Nathaniel Hawthorne will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. On Wednesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. A orange car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Thursday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.


The Slug July 26th

Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Tuesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Saturday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.