Sunday, February 27, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th February 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 46. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Friday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.


The Slug July 26th

It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.


Sunday, February 20, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st February 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Avoid the number 25 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Sunday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Your week will become focused around Tuesday, when the the number 45, the color purple and someone who has a connection to General Norman Schwarzkopf will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Monday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Rick Santorum. Does this matter? Only time will tell. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.


The Slug July 26th

Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Michael J. Jordan in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.


Sunday, February 13, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th February 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Wednesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.


The Slug July 26th

Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. The number 72 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Friday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.


Sunday, February 6, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th February 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Saturday.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

In a parallel universe you were born as Michele Pfeiffer. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. The color black will be very important to you this week. Especially on Saturday, and when connected to the number 57, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.


The Slug July 26th

You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Wednesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.