Sunday, December 25, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th December 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. On Monday, the color green, the number 22 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.


The Slug July 26th

You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Michael J. Fox driving a green car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. On Monday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 92, the color blue and someone who has a connection to Spider Man will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. On Sunday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Phil Donahue, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.


Sunday, December 18, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th December 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Monday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Thomas Jefferson and Tiger Woods.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 99 feet, but no more than a mile. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Hank Aaron driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.


The Slug July 26th

Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Susan B. Anthony, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Tom Brokaw a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.


Sunday, December 11, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th December 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Steve Martin, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Tuesday.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.


The Slug July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Hanging out with a Scallop on Thursday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Gloria Steinem at all.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The color red will be very important to you this week. Especially on Sunday, and when connected to the number 32, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Thursday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.


Sunday, December 4, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th December 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Bob Dylan. Does this matter? Only time will tell. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you make an appointment on Wednesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You are not Michelangelo, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 57 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. The number 76 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.


The Slug July 26th

You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Monday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Should you wear orange on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Avoid the number 34 if possible on Saturday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.