Monday, November 30, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th November 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. If you see anybody this week who looks like Dr. Seuss, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The number 61 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Monday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Margaret Thatcher, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Nathaniel Hawthorne a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd November 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 30 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Sunday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. The number 76 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Get out and enjoy life on Sunday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 32. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 65 feet, but no more than a mile. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. When you and a Limpet get together on Tuesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Friday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th November 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Tuesday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 26. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. On Friday, the color purple, the number 51 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Look yourself in the mirror on Tuesday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th November 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Tuesday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? On Wednesday night you will dream of being Jesse Jackson. You won't know why until the following Monday when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Look yourself in the mirror on Friday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Something about the number 15 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Dan Aykroyd. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Wednesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd November 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Sometimes it is good to try something new. Thursday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You are not Helen Keller, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? On Sunday night you will dream of being Julia Roberts. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. If you wear too much make-up on Sunday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Friday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Monday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Try relaxing on Tuesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th October 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Monday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Saturday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Thursday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Sunday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th October 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Monday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Thursday. It will impress a secret admirer. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Should you wear purple on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
The number 26 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Peter Jennings in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. If you see anybody this week who looks like Julia Roberts, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing purple. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Madonna a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th October 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Sunday who looks at all like Bill Cosby, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 25 feet, but no more than a mile. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Tuesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Wednesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. A pretty young woman connected to the number 90 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning October 5th 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Something involving the color purple will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Saturday who looks at all like C. G. Jung, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Should you wear blue on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. On Sunday night you will dream of being Peter Jennings. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Jesse Jackson at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. In a parallel universe you were born as Helen Keller. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 48 feet, but no more than a mile. A pink car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th September 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Get the guys or girls around your place on Sunday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The number 5 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st September 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Avoid the number 37 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". You are not Phil Donahue, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Wednesday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. The color red will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 16, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Monday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 45 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th September 2005

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 23 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A man connected with the number 90 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Tuesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Saturday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Michael Jackson will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing blue If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Sunday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color black. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Monday, August 31, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st August 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. On Saturday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Monday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. The number 56 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Wednesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. On Monday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The number 64 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th August 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Plato, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Roy Rogers, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Friday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 80 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th August 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Avoid the number 12 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Get out and enjoy life on Wednesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Wednesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. On Wednesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Harry Houdini. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Something involving the color yellow will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th August 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Something involving the color green will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A man connected with the number 27 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Your week will become focused around Thursday, when the the number 22, the color green and someone who has a connection to Louis Pasteur will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Julia Child, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). You are not W.C.Fields, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Friday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. On Tuesday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Saturday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.