Sunday, April 26, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th April 2009

December 2nd - February 19th

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Beware the old saying: 'a squid in need is a squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

February 20th - March 9th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

March 10th - May 1st

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

May 2nd - June 2nd

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Remember, your lips are sealed.

June 3rd - July 25th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.

July 26th

This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

July 27th - August 19th

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

August 20th - October 1st

A pretty young woman connected to the number 58 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. A white car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Thursday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. On Wednesday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

October 1st - October 29th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

October 30th - December 1st

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th April 2009

December 2nd - February 19th

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

February 20th - March 9th

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. If you see a barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

March 10th - May 1st

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

May 2nd - June 2nd

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about.

June 3rd - July 25th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Friday night get-together.

July 26th

There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected.

July 27th - August 19th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Monday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

August 20th - October 1st

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Monday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

October 1st - October 29th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. The number 35 will be a powerful omen for you this Monday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. When you and a Limpet get together on Saturday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

October 30th - December 1st

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th April 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. On Tuesday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? This is certainly a week where if you see a slug, then you should given them a punch on the chin.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 16 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Tuesday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.


The Slug
July 26th

You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th April 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A pretty young woman connected to the number 53 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. On Monday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with your partner behind your back? Don't be hearbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Remember, your lips are sealed.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.


The Slug
July 26th

With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Hanging out with a Scallop on Saturday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Tuesday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. A clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing green. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Try relaxing on Wednesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.