Sunday, April 29, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th April 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. A pretty young woman connected to the number 29 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Friday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. You will bump into a Mussel on Friday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Get out and enjoy life on Saturday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Thursday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Thursday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The number 17 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd April 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You would rather stick a knife in
your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Neil Diamond, On Monday, the color green, the number 87 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you see anybody this week who looks like John Lennon, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Avoid the number 89 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th April 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 21 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Tuesday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Tuesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Mark Twain, This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You are not Hank Aaron, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th
In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Thursday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Helen Keller, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Sunday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Try relaxing on Friday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning Monday 9th April 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Tuesday who looks at all like James Dean, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Dan Rather, A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Monday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. On Wednesday night you will dream of being Terry Bradshaw. You won't know why until the following Tuesday when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd April 2012

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The color orange will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 66, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Saturday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Hook up with an Octopus on Saturday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. If you see anybody this week who looks like Willey Mays, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Walter Cronkite a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.