Sunday, March 29, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th March 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Wednesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Willey Mays in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Gandhi will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you see anybody this week who looks like Lewis Carrol, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Sunday, March 22, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd March 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Michael Landon, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Something about the number 3 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Saturday this week. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Jim Carrey driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Get the guys or girls around your place on Tuesday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Oprah Winfrey will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Danny Glover, Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Shirley MacLaine. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Sunday, March 15, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th March 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Sunday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Rick Santorum. Does this matter? Only time will tell. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 94 feet, but no more than a mile. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 41 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Sunday, March 8, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th March 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 19, the color blue and someone who has a connection to Bill Gates will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Something about the number 54 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Tuesday will keep your mind occupied. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. On Tuesday, the color pink, the number 50 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. On Sunday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Monday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Sunday, March 1, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd March 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Thomas Edison and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Saturday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 63, the color orange and someone who has a connection to Marilyn Vos Savant will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Friday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.