Sunday, July 28, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th July 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Saturday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Something involving the color purple will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Wednesday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 36 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Friday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If you make an appointment on Sunday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Sunday, July 21, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd July 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Tuesday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. If you see anybody this week who looks like Mohammad Ali, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Friday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Something about the number 80 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Sunday will keep your mind occupied. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Something involving the color purple will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Monday, July 15, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th July 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Wednesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Sunday. It will impress a secret admirer. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th
Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Wednesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Friday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Monday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Sunday, July 7, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th July 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. A man connected with the number 25 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th
On Tuesday, the number 8 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Get the guys or girls around your place on Thursday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not George Washington, If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.