Sunday, October 25, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th October 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Sunday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A man connected with the number 11 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.


The Slug
July 26th

You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. A man connected with the number 43 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Thursday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color pink. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Saturday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. A white car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Saturday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th October 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You may want to keep a fellow clam close to your side on Wednesday.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A man connected with the number 79 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Wednesday. It will impress a secret admirer. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.


The Slug
July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you stayed in bed *all* week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Sunday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th October 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. You may want to keep a fellow clam close to your side on Saturday.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. A man connected with the number 77 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Meet up with a squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Wednesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.


The Slug
July 26th

You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. If you stayed in bed *all* week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Avoid the number 93 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 20 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th October 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.


The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.


The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.


The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Tuesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.


The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. On Thursday, the color green, the number 49 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.


The Slug
July 26th

Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.


The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Invite a squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.


The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Go easy on the chili sauce this week.


The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.


The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.