Monday, December 29, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th December 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Hank Aaron and Tiger Woods.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.


The Slug July 26th

Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Saturday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.


Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd December 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Tom Hanks, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. On Friday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Darth Vader. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Should you wear white on Tuesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th December 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid the number 5 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Hook up with an Octopus on Thursday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Thursday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A man connected with the number 34 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Should you wear white on Wednesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Something involving the color purple will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Wednesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th December 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Peyton Manning and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. You are not Henry A. Kissinger, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. The color yellow will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 20, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. On Thursday night you will dream of being Clint Eastwood. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Walter Cronkite then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st December 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid the number 91 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
In a parallel universe you were born as Mother Teresa. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Get out and enjoy life on Monday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Take extra special care on Thursday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. On Thursday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 43 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th November 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. On Thursday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Sunday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Spider Man driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 83 feet, but no more than a mile. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Susan B. Anthony then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A pretty young woman connected to the number 95 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th November 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
The number 79 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Monday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Saturday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Friday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Helen Keller and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Tom Brokaw in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. On Sunday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Monday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th November 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. A pretty young woman connected to the number 8 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Sunday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Lewis Carrol, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. On Tuesday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Tuesday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd November 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. A man connected with the number 21 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Monday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Thursday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Should you wear blue on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. On Sunday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Saturday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Wednesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th October 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Sunday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Wednesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Look yourself in the mirror on Wednesday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A yellow car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Monday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Sometimes it is good to try something new. Sunday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th October 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The number 37 will be a powerful omen for you this Monday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You are not Cleopatra, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The color red will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 45, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
You will go to an auction on Saturday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? On Friday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Friday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Wednesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th October 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Saturday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Edgar Allen Poe, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Thursday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You will bump into a Mussel on Wednesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Elizabeth Dole. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. On Tuesday night you will dream of being Doris Day. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. In a parallel universe you were born as Michael J. Jordan. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Get the guys or girls around your place on Wednesday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. A man connected with the number 29 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th October 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Spider Man driving a purple car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. The color black will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 5, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 35 feet, but no more than a mile. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Tuesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Saturday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th September 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Colin L. Powell in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A man connected with the number 69 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The color pink will be very important to you this week. Especially on Saturday, and when connected to the number 85, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. If you see anybody this week who looks like Yogi Berra, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd September 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Thursday. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Wednesday this week. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Wednesday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Friday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you see anybody this week who looks like C. G. Jung, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th September 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Ernest Hemingway and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 18, the color blue and someone who has a connection to Steve Martin will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Look yourself in the mirror on Saturday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th September 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Friday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Hook up with an Octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.