Sunday, June 9, 2024

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th June 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Magic Johnson will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing green Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.


The Slug July 26th

Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Tuesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Walt Disney, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Friday this week. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.


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Sunday, June 2, 2024

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd June 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Sunday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A black car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Sunday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Wednesday this week. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Tuesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.


The Slug July 26th

Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Wednesday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you wear too much make-up on Sunday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.


[?2004h