Sunday, January 26, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th January 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.


The Slug July 26th

You will go to an auction on Tuesday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Hanging out with a Scallop on Friday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. On Saturday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.


Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th January 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Thursday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Whoopi Goldberg, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Should you wear blue on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th January 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A man connected with the number 5 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Saturday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? A black car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Thursday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Tuesday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Wednesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th January 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Something involving the color purple will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Thursday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
The number 59 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A black car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Monday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Tom Cruise then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Avoid the number 13 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.