Sunday, July 26, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th July 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Terry Bradshaw, A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Friday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Norman Rockwell a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Monday, July 20, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th July 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Monday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th July 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Sunday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A man connected with the number 35 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 2, the color red and someone who has a connection to Hank Aaron will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Monday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Look yourself in the mirror on Saturday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Should you wear orange on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Mozart will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th July 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Saturday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Wednesday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Lucille Ball. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Should you wear yellow on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! The number 59 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Ben Franklin then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Saturday. It will impress a secret admirer. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Bob Hope, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing black. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.