Monday, March 28, 2016

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th March 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Get the guys or girls around your place on Thursday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st March 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Wednesday this week. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Wednesday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Something involving the color green will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 37 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Monday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Look yourself in the mirror on Wednesday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 63. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th March 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Bob Dylan, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Wednesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Margaret Thatcher. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Hanging out with a Scallop on Saturday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Saturday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Tuesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Monday, March 7, 2016

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th March 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Monday this week. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Gloria Steinem, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th
There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Sunday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Harrison Ford, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.