Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th February 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Monday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you General Norman Schwarzkopf in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Fred Astaire. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

On Tuesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Edgar Allen Poe and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Avoid the number 2 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. The number 52 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Sunday. It will impress a secret admirer. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Take extra special care on Saturday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Saturday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. On Friday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 16. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing yellow. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th February 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You are not Magic Johnson, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 37 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The number 52 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Sunday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Wednesday this week. Should you wear blue on Saturday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th February 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 70 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. The number 16 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Thursday. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Marilyn Monroe driving a red car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Monday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Friday this week. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th February 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Saturday. It will impress a secret admirer. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Monday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Wednesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th

With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.