Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th October 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Monday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Lewis Carrol and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Something involving the color pink will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A white car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. You are not Pelé, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Friday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Thursday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Susan B. Anthony in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st October 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. A man connected with the number 89 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th October 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Frank Lloyd Wright and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. A pretty young woman connected to the number 80 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Friday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. On Saturday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. When you and a Limpet get together on Friday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Helen Keller driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th October 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The number 76 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Tuesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You will bump into a Mussel on Wednesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Wednesday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. On Monday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Why will the color green be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Tuesday. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st October 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Friday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. The number 29 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Sunday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 88. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.