Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st January 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A man connected with the number 72 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

You will go to an auction on Wednesday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. On Monday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Sunday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th January 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Should you wear blue on Tuesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. You have dandruff, do something about it! Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Abraham Lincoln in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th January 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

In a parallel universe you were born as Ernest Hemingway. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Hold a dinner party on Wednesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Monday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

The number 34 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Michele Pfeiffer. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th January 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 24. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Sunday. It will impress a secret admirer. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Sunday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Hanging out with a Scallop on Tuesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. On Tuesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Friday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Marilyn Monroe a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd January 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A man connected with the number 36 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like William F. Buckley, Jr., then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Beethoven driving a green car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.