Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st October 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Monday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Mae West driving a green car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Valerie Harper. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Saturday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Friday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Tuesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th October 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Saturday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

On Thursday, the number 96 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. If you wear too much make-up on Monday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Saturday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th October 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Saturday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 0 feet, but no more than a mile. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Avoid the number 18 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Thursday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Robin Williams. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as James Taylor, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th October 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Tuesday this week. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Wednesday who looks at all like Michelangelo, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Friday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Hook up with an Octopus on Monday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th

With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Get the guys or girls around your place on Monday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. A man connected with the number 74 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Wednesday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd October 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Avoid the number 74 if possible on Monday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Chevy Chase, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The number 8 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Dan Rather a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.