Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th April 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

In a parallel universe you were born as William Shakespeare. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. The number 23 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Tuesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You will bump into a Mussel on Sunday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 78 feet, but no more than a mile. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you see anybody this week who looks like Rick Santorum, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th April 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Saturday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Sunday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Avoid the number 9 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Tuesday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Saturday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th April 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A man connected with the number 34 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Get out and enjoy life on Thursday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. On Tuesday night you will dream of being Robin Williams. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Take extra special care on Wednesday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. On Sunday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Wednesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Tuesday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Tuesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd April 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Dick Van Dyke driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Marilyn Vos Savant will shower you with unusual gifts on Tuesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing blue Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Saturday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Thursday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 23, the color blue and someone who has a connection to Lewis Carrol will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Friday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A man connected with the number 4 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 40 feet, but no more than a mile. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

[?2004h