Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th June 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. On Sunday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. The color pink will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 4, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 87 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Bill Clinton, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th June 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Alicia Silverstone and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 41 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. The number 20 will be a powerful omen for you this Tuesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Hook up with an Octopus on Friday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? On Friday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Should you wear pink on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Tuesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th June 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Thursday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Something about the number 48 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Saturday will keep your mind occupied. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Paul Harvey, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Friday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. The number 22 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Tuesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th June 2023

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Margaret Thatcher. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Monday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. If you see anybody this week who looks like Bob Dylan, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. You will bump into a Mussel on Saturday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color blue. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Tuesday. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Look yourself in the mirror on Sunday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Saturday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Wednesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

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