Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th May 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Friday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Mae West. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Monday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Monday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Wednesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Avoid the number 55 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th May 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Lucille Ball, Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. On Sunday night you will dream of being Mozart. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Michele Pfeiffer, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Friday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th May 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Tuesday this week. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 97, the color green and someone who has a connection to C. G. Jung will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Monday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Miles Davis, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Thursday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5 May 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The color pink will be very important to you this week. Especially on Friday, and when connected to the number 52, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Whoopi Goldberg and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. On Sunday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Thursday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Chevy Chase then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Saturday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Thursday this week. Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.