The color pink will be very important to you this week. Especially on Friday, and when connected to the number 52, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Whoopi Goldberg and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. On Sunday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Thursday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.
The Slug July 26th
You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Chevy Chase then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Saturday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Thursday this week. Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.
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