Sunday, April 11, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th April

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. The color white will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 62, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Monday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.


The Slug July 26th

You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A man connected with the number 46 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. On Sunday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.