Sunday, November 27, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th November 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Susan B. Anthony. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Sunday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Thursday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.


The Slug July 26th

This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

The number 83 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Tuesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Aristotle, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.