Sunday, November 10, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th November 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Carl Sagan, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Friday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Friday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Mahatma Gandhi. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.