Sunday, May 19, 2019

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th May 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Tuesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. On Sunday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Tuesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Wednesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.