Sunday, July 5, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th July 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Sean Connery will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Sunday who looks at all like Pelé, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Sunday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. On Sunday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Monday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Henri Mancini at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 67, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.