Sunday, May 12, 2024

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th May 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. You will bump into a Mussel on Wednesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Tuesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. On Wednesday, the color blue, the number 73 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.


The Slug July 26th

You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Friday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Colin L. Powell then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

In a parallel universe you were born as Charles Dickens. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Michelangelo, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.


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