Monday, September 27, 2021

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th September 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Thursday.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Friday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Thursday.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.


The Slug July 26th

Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you see anybody this week who looks like Arthur Ashe, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Monday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Henry A. Kissinger, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.