Sunday, July 3, 2022

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th July 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Sunday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Should you wear red on Saturday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

In a parallel universe you were born as Vincent Van Gogh. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A man connected with the number 29 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Saturday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!


The Slug July 26th

You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Bob Newhart. Does this matter? Only time will tell. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.