Sunday, September 27, 2020

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th September 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.


The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!


The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 88 feet, but no more than a mile. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.


The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.


The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.


The Slug July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. On Tuesday, the number 79 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News.


The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day


The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.


The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Thursday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing yellow. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.


The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Aristotle, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.